I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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