dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
