My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
