Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
