So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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