If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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