my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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