my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
