HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
