I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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