we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
tell me about the eggs
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
