Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
