Too much gin, very little bucket
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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