I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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