i permit you to call me
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
