I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
