My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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