Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
