May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
