I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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