One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
