I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
