So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
