The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
