Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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