Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
