I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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