so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
