my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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