ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
