A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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