bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
