I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize