Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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