She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
