I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
