Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize