This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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