WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
