remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
