I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
