Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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