When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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