listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
This baby is an asshole
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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