made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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