Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
