Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
