At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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