He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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