i love accidental penises.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
