Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
