i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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