Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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