While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
