Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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