apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
