Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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