somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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