I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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